Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Why I Need More Penises In My Life

Bold move, right? Putting the word penis in your very first blog post title? Well, I went for it. So far, no regrets. Ask me again when I'm super famous and someone asks me about my penis post on Entertainment Tonight. 

Is that show even still on? If not, I've just outed myself as completely out of touch with what's hip and jive. (Do the kids still say jive?) But I suppose 'behind the times' is a pretty accurate first impression for me to make. And now I'll tell you how the penis fits in. (HEYO!)

I am 29 years old and I have experienced exactly 8 penises. How this fits into the average for a single woman like myself, I have no idea. Is that high? Is that low? Am I right on the average for dicksperience? All I can say is that in recent years, no matter what anyone else thinks, I have decided that 8 is a low number. 

I'm anonymous so who gives a shit, I'll just lay it all out on the table in crude terms. I had sexual intercourse with 7 out of 8 of those penises. That one-off was in fact a too-shy virginal guy who was ready for everything but.

If 8 penises seems like a lot to you, there isn't much I can do to alter that perception, and I don't really care to. All I'll say is that in my discussions with girlfriends I have found that number is usually dwarfed. The reason I need more penises is not because I'm embarrassed when it comes time to compare. Not at all. Four of said wieners were a part of long-term monogamous relationships. Two were accidental one-nighters.

How does one have an accidental one-nighter, you ask? By being young and having men make you promises, pretend like a relationship is on the horizon, and then once the deed is done, ghost it.

Anyway, my 8 penises span a dozen years of sexual activity, and the reasons are two-fold why I feel I need more of them. Firstly, and most simply, I'm at an age where I'm searching for someone to spend the rest of my life with. When that happens, I want to feel like I've had sufficient experience to settle down. I suppose you could call it sewing the wild oats. I haven't done much sewing at all. Variety is the spice of life, etc., etc.

Secondly, the slightly more complex reason, is that I have a problem with severe, intense, acute anxiety that accompanies first-time sex with someone. I've managed to get over it those 7-8 times, but it's always there. This was mostly brought on by an ex-boyfriend who gave me what I now know to be unfounded body and sexual complexes. And even though I've moved on and logically found those issues to be bullshit, they just aren't that easy to erase from the brain.

It's these complexes that contribute to dry spells lasting months and months (and months). All because I am too chicken-shit to seek out a new sexual partner, regardless of my raging desires. All of that is compounded by the fact that I am much too picky. It's not that dudes need to be solid 10s to get in my pants - not at all - it's that I need everything to be a certain way. I need to feel just right about the person. I need to feel liked (at least), respected, and comfortable. I'm also not a fan of the hook up just for sex scenario. I need at least the pretense of a date. I know. I'm a headcase.

I've decided I want my desires quelled when they occur. I don't want to sit around frustrated for months doing nothing about it, wondering where my next lay will come from. I want to be less nervous and less inhibited.

What kicked this off for me was a new experience that I had recently. In case you were counting my past penises, you'll notice there's one missing. The most recent one. The one that made me go "What the hell am I waiting for?!" I had my first real, adult, one night stand. One without pretense or bullshit. Just two adults who wanted to bangarang and not see each other again. And it was liberating. But that specific story I'll save for another post. Because it's a fucking awesome story.

So let this blog be a chronicle of my new found drive to get out there and get some. I won't lie. I will simultaneously be looking for someone special. Because that kind of adventure always yields good stories too. But in the meantime I need to force myself to get past my hangups, to take sex off its pedestal and start enjoying myself.

Aaaand cue the comments from anonymous internet strangers offering me dick.