Sunday, July 26, 2015

This Week in Online Dating: Pig Roasts and Gang Signs and Six Packs, OH MY!

I feel like this week was particularly fruitful for me in the world of online dating. Oh no no wait, don't get confused. I haven't made any meaningful connections. What I mean is that the goofs out there have provided me with some solid blog content. Because that's pretty much what OkCupid and Tinder have devolved into for me - content sources. Meh, at least they serve me some purpose now.

EXHIBIT A: The horror! The HORROR! 

Mmmmm dead roasting flesh. Did you hear that? That was the sound of my panties hitting the floor, lubricated all the way down my legs with bacon grease.

I AM a meat-eater so I can't be a total hypocrite about it, but a dead animal cooking over hot coals, especially one that is in one piece and so recognizable as a dead animal, is not the most pleasant image. Even to a lot of carnivores. I want to be invited to maybe taste the final product, maybe, but that's about it.

Also, this image would make more sense in a Hawaiian setting, or the Caribbean, but this looks like the suburbs. I don't know why, I just find that... odd. Like, did By-Law come by at any point? "Uh excuse me sir, you can't roast full animals over open flames past 11 pm. And if your fire pit exceeds two feet by one foot I'm gonna have to call the fire marshal. Oh hey, this moment would make a sweet dating profile pic. Make sure the pig's mouth is gaping open as if to suggest a scream of agony. Have a good night!"

EXHIBIT B: Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Or rather, feels slightly uncomfortable, as this dude demonstrates. I left his face intact so you could see just how freakin' happy he is to be participating in the online dating world. /sarcasm

Come on now, people. Don't we remember rule 1a?

The best part about this? Although I made the collage, this guy actually added his own fancy borders (RESPECT YO!) and flower graphics. Hard core artsy type I guess. "Yo dawg, I gots mad skillz in MS Paint!"

EXHIBIT C) The Triple Threat

This man is noteworthy for having committed three of my major sins in a dating profile. If you've read my previous advice, you know what these are. EVERYONE TOGETHER! Far away action shot, group photo, and a fucking fish!

EXHIBIT D) Back to Basics

Simple. If you can't spell HI, we have a problem. Also, this man's three photos were gratuitous ab shots. Which gives me a pretty good idea about what he values. And, just as important, what the type of women he's looking for value. Not I, sir. Not I. I'd rather take the pig-roast guy. He may have a dad-bod but at least we can eat pork together in sweatpants and blissfully lick each other's bacony fingers.

EXHIBIT E) Casual Sax

I just wanted to give this guy kudos on the hilarity of this photo and for not taking himself too seriously. Blow it, sax man.

EXHIBIT F) What's in a name?

I don't believe hung4ladies' claim for a second. I think guys with huge shlongs don't go around advertising because they just naturally have confidence. And it might be like being rich, where people question motives - "Are you interested in me for me? Or for my gigantigenitals?"

Size doesn't matter, dude. But a good username does.


What the hell dude?! What is the world coming to? This is a sad example of the state of our society.

We're getting worse as a species. Seeing stuff like this out there makes me sick. I don't like judging people, but I think I'm just gonna say it...

... IT'S YOU'RE not YUR!

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