Sunday, July 12, 2015

This Week In Online Dating

What follows are actual messages I've received, people I've matched with, and others I just passed on by in the realm of online dating this week.

EXHIBIT A) Here we have some grammar problems. His message to me reads "hi how are you i am looking for a relationship if you are interested lets me know i read your profile and you seem interesting to get to know and to talk too send me back if you are interested."


Firstly, this is a run-on sentence. I guess he just figured FUCK PUNCTUATION, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Now, it would seem English is not his first language, which is completely fine, but still - a comma transcends language barriers.

Secondly, although I've covered his face, trust me when I say he didn't look too happy. This was the classic mugshot dating profile pic. No smile. Just an angry, hardened criminal who wants to get to know me.

Lastly, that's very likely some copy/paste bullshit right there. Remember - generic mass messages are icky. There's no sign he actually read my profile or has any idea what differentiates me from any other woman on this dating app that he wants to "talk too."


EXHIBIT B) First instinct, this is a bot or scam of some kind. It's suspicious and weird and from the States (very far from this here Quirky Canuck), so he's not a local match. He had a good, smiling face (only the one photo), but he offers up too much contact information which is super sketchy. 





I won't lie, I was SUPER tempted to 1) prank text the number endless pictures of cats and 2) post the full number here so the internet folks could just have at it.

Because of the suspicious nature, I also suspect copy/paste nonsense. Nothing specific to me or my profile here at all.



EXHIBIT C)   I'm sorry for not obscuring his face, but this is too important. This photo here was the ONLY photo this guy had to offer on his profile. And this was Tinder,  so considering he wrote nothing, he gave me this GRIMACE, and ONLY THIS GRIMACE to determine if I was interested.



Really think about this. Guy is sitting in his car, making the conscious decision to photograph himself. "Hmm, should I look slightly pleasant? Fuck no! GRRR!" And I'll bet he had five failed selfies before he settled on this one as the best. Something to remember when looking at people's internet photos - most people only post the ones where they think they look good, the best of the best. So it's safe to assume, when looking through pics on a profile, that this is their opinion of themselves looking hot as hell.

So listen Grimace Guy, nobody really loves the fact that we have to resort to internet dating, but try not to look too super fucking pissed about it. Being an angry hard-ass is unsexy to most women. Finding a man online is already difficult and scary for us. Smile, dammit.

SWIPED LEFT.


EXHIBIT D) Fish, fish, and more fish.

I just... I mean... I don't even.... *sigh*. Whatever. I will have to resign myself to the fact that in my geographical area there are lots of guys who fish, and who want to show me.






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