Monday, August 31, 2015

This Week In Online Dating: Actual Potential, Disappointment, & Miscellaneous Grab Bag

Yes, believe it or not, this week I actually found someone with a bit of potential. Naturally I was way more excited than I could show, because we all know that the wrong level of enthusiasm from a female tends to drive men away.

As my friend said the other week, "Men are like deer. Say and do the right thing and they're eating out of your hand. Say the wrong thing and they're bounding off into the woods, scared as fuck."

So anyway, I'd been talking to "Brad" on Tinder since May. We matched way back when and started chatting, but our messages were never instant. He'd send a message late at night, I'd respond the next day, I'd hear from him a week later, etc. It was more like correspondence than chatting.

Then I went away for a week-long work event, followed up immediately by a wedding (you remember how that turned out) and then two weeks of vacation. I'd forgotten about Brad, even though we seemed to have a good rapport via Tinder messages.

Last Sunday I got a Tinder message from him out of the blue asking how I'd been, how was my summer, etc. After a few reconnecting messages, he asked me to go for a drink on Saturday. I said yes, and we switched to text.

Our texting connection was great. We joked, we told stories, we exchanged hilariously bad puns, I knew at the very least we'd have fun in person over that drink. We made the tentative plan for Saturday. He had a family event that would take up most of his day, but we'd meet around 6:30-7 in the evening. Cool.

The entirety of Friday passed without a text from him. My female intuition kicked in. Personally, if I'm about to meet someone, I'd at least keep some casual contact going until then. But hey, everyone's different in their communication styles, so I let it be.

Saturday rolled around and by noon I hadn't heard anything. I was owed some contact now. It was the day of the date. Come on now. So I texted, asking if we were still on. An hour and a half later I was told how sorry he was but his family event was running longer than expected. Raincheck?

"I'm sorry, I can't make it on the day and time that I, myself, suggested."

I took a deep breath. I had anticipated he would flake out and here it was. I told him these things happen, no problem, and raincheck for sure. He followed up with extreme gratitude at my understanding, then asked how my weekend was going. It felt pretty sincere. After all, these things DO happen.

After a quick exchange the convo ended. I didn't hear from him at all on Sunday. It's Monday, and still nothing. Now, of course there's a chance he'll pop up this week and try to reschedule, but my instincts tell me that if he wanted to meet me, he woulda made the plan immediately upon cancelling. I know that's what I would do to prove to someone that I wasn't flaking, just changing the plan.

I have sent the last text, and he was the one that cancelled. I think anyone with any social skills at all would agree that the ball is in his court to make a new plan with me. If in fact that's what he wants to do.

If he doesn't, I'll be left sitting in yet another cloud of confusion going "Huh? What? I just... I dunno..." Can someone help me out here? Why does someone make the effort to reach out to you, to ask you out, to make the plan, then flake? A friend tells me she suspects some people in the world of online dating get close to meeting someone for the first time then have a sort of freak-out and bail. The digital interaction is about to become real and they decide it's too nerve-wracking. Valid theory.

But this just brings me back to a concept that I feel is very important if you're going to call yourself an adult. Know thyself. If internet "blind" dating is too scary for you, don't put yourself out there only to disappoint others. If your life is too busy, if you're not emotionally ready, stay away from those of us that are.

Anyways, to be fair, Brad might still pop up thinking nothing is wrong and still want to meet me, to which I will say yes. But that doesn't change my frustration with this first impression.

On to the fun stuff...

Let's start with the positive! Profiles I liked!



EXHIBIT A: Chips Ahoy!

Not only was this guy cute, but his write-up made me giggle. I appreciated that he took the time to write something, and he did a great job. He showcased his sense of humour (that twist ending!), and his complete lack of personal detail seems like a bit of a jab at the medium itself (Tinder) which I can appreciate. He also provided multiple, varied photos. Swiped right.


EXHIBIT B: The Red Pill

Kudos on a list of interests that interests me. Obviously it's totally subjective depending on what you're looking for, but as a sci-fi nerd myself, he struck a chord with the Matrix reference. Points for multiple photos. Swiped right. *Mic drop*



Now that we've covered what I liked, let's see the rest.


EXHIBIT C: The Height of Class


This type of commentary is extremely common in the online dating world, on men's profiles to be exact. I guess women often ask about height, so many of them include their height in the most passive-aggressive way possible. 

It's varied, but here are some examples:

"I'm 6'2 because you all seem to care so much."
"I'm 5'9 since you're going to ask anyway."
"6 foot, cuz apparently it matters."
"I'm 5'11, so yes - you can probably wear your heels."



EXHIBIT D) Vocabulary Lesson

Oh noooo... no no no... poor Unick7. He must not do a lot of reading. His name is probably Nick and he went to University, or some such nonsense, but he has obviously never come across the word EUNUCH. (Pronounced YOO-nick.)




EXHIBIT E: Blinded by the Light

Nice mirror shot.


EXHIBIT F: Picky/Not Picky

I guess he's leaving that up to interpretation. What, exactly, is it that matters, Mr. Russian? Height? Appearance? Material things? 

I'll say it's material things based on the abundance of car photos you included in your profile.


EXHIBIT G: FIIIIIISH

Although I'm sick of seeing fish in dating profiles, I've decided that some are just too noteworthy to pass up.

Points for originality, dude. Riding the fish. Nice touch. 

What we have here is also another very common commentary on photos. This is a variation of "kid isn't mine!" This is one I actually appreciate, as someone who isn't looking to get involved with someone else's mini-me.

___________________________________________________

DAAYUUM! This one is just plain ol' big and scary. Look at that fucker!

Minus points for bashing the medium in which you're connecting with people. I'm REALLY sick of people making jokes like "We'll say we met at the library" or "I won't tell that we met online if you don't."

Get with the fucking times, people. Online dating is a perfectly acceptable way to meet new people. This is the digital age. Most of us spend a huge part of our day looking at screens. This was bound to happen. In fact, I think it's a great way to essentially set up your own blind dates, and find people outside of your social circle.

Big Fish Man, hear me now - We would ALL rather meet someone in a movie style meet-cute where I drop my purse and a bunch of papers and then you help me pick it up and notice that I'm reading the same book you are and I flutter my eyelashes and you ask me to go for coffee right then and there. We'd all love a story that we can tell all our friends and have them tear up with the utter romance of it all. But alas, reality dictates that we now have to search for connections online. That doesn't make the connections any less valid.


And now it's time for reader submissions!


EXHIBIT H: Jean Bulge

What can I really say about this one? That ring really made him think complicated and hv bulge. Sex chat, no thank you.


EXHIBIT I: Surprise, surprise!

Think you're having a nice little polite conversation? GUESS AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER!



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