Monday, August 3, 2015

This Week in Online Dating: Schlongs, Cuckolds, & Fifty Shades

It must have been a full moon or something because this week was an absolute treasure trove of awesomeness on OkCupid and Tinder. Not the kind of awesome like "oh my god, I met this awesome guy and we really hit it off!" but the kind of awesome where I get such a ridiculous message that I have to take a screenshot and share it.

EXHIBIT A)  BIG ONE
Not only did this guy send me pretty much the exact same message twice (proof of copy/paste behaviour), but on his second attempt he threw in somethin' a little spicy. I couldn't help myself.


Instead of just ignoring him, as I'd done the first time, I tested out my interview skills. Now, do I believe for a nanosecond that this was his first try with penis-baiting? Doubtful. Will he never repeat this? Not a chance.

EXHIBIT B) Time for a photoshoot! or not...



This guy is certainly playing the odds. I would bet anything he's just sending this message to every user and hoping for maybe one in ten to respond for some pic-trading action.

While I think this comes on a little strong, I commend him on putting his real intentions out on display and not wasting anyone's time. Maybe if I'm bored some evening and really feeling my look I'll revisit this message.


EXHIBIT C) My fish is in a book!


Seeing a fish in every other profile is nothing new, in fact it's so common that I'm going to stop showing you every single fish I come across, but I found this one to be interesting. Not only is it friggin' humungous and therefore noteworthy, but I had a good laugh knowing that this guy had his catch published!

What makes me really giggle is that this guy got himself and his fish in a magazine or something, perhaps Fisheries Research Cooperative, and then thought "This shit's gonna make an AWESOME profile pic! Chicks dig published fishermen, right?"

Lots of dudes like to post photos of their accomplishments (marathon pics are abundant, and getting boring, just FYI) but this one is unique. I enjoy imagining him holding the magazine open and pulling out his phone to snap this pic of a pic.


EXHIBIT D) Variety is the spice of life

cuck·old
ˈkəkəld,-ōld/
noun
archaic
  1. 1.
    the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.
verb
  1. 1.
    (of a man) make (another man) a cuckold by having a sexual relationship with his wife.


While I find this approach to be a bit abrupt, I applaud him for putting his kinks out there right off the bat. I would suggest to him that he strike up a normal conversation first and bring up his fetishistic nature a little later, but I am a proponent of putting your weird shit on the table early. No sense in getting invested emotionally only to find out that your beau wants you to bang other dudes and humiliate him for his sexual gratification. I mean, assuming that's not your thing too. If it is, well then match made in heaven!


EXHIBIT E) The vintage net-slang dater

Props to the 52-year-old for messaging a 29-year-old. I politely declined but felt his out-of-touch usage of the term 'e-dating' deserved some recognition. It's adorable and sounds like something you would have seen on the internet in its early days, after logging into AOL through the phone line to chat on ICQ.



EXHIBIT F) This write-up is really

Sin #1 - Fuck your stupid group photo. I'm not into solving mysteries.

Sin #2 - You tried to write some trite saying that you feel embodies your whole outlook on life (and is sadly completely unoriginal and I've probably seen it on ten other profiles) but you fucked it up and didn't even take the time to proofread your profile before hitting save. So now instead of looking like some deep intellectual with a clever personal philosophy, you look like a guy in too much of a rush to edit his shit.




EXHIBIT G) Som's Schlong

Holy cow! Look at that thing! I appreciate the statements this photo makes.


1) I'm looking for sex and probably only sex. Let's not waste each other's time with false pretenses;
2) I'm so confident about my genitalia that I will post it online in a medium that includes my first name;
3) I'm saving you the embarrassment of asking if I'm circumcised.

Good for you, Som. And congrats to Som's Tinder matches. 



EXHIBIT H) Erotic Mike

I think Mike needs to consider a new career, assuming he isn't already an erotica author. 


Still better than Fifty Shades, but I love the addition of "you gasp in surprise." Sorry to break it to you, Mike, but most of us know what a dick feels like.

_____________________

Onwards and upwards. Here's to a new week of matches, mismatches, laughs, and disappointment!




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