Sunday, September 20, 2015

This Week In Online Dating: Bad Names, Clichés, and Obituaries

Another week, another shit-show in the world of online dating. Even though I like to mock people (who deserve it) I want you to know I am actually trying. I do respond to messages, browse profiles with optimism, etc. I'm rewarded with conversations that underwhelm me and fade away, or dudes that flake on dates at the last minute I really am giving it the old college try!

EXHIBIT A: Other great qualities

Wow, thank you for that amazing description. Your height, obviously the #1 most important thing. In fact, SO important that FUCK EVERY OTHER THING ABOUT YOU. Come on bro, even chicks that are just looking to bang need a little more detail than that. At least, I think. Hey, chicks on tinder looking to bang, is that the only pertinent statistic to you? 

It his other great quality includes tactical warfare, I think I'm swiping left.

EXHIBIT B: A Cliché For Another Day 

I actually got so sick of seeing this stupid line that I decided to start documenting it. And then of course I couldn't find a second example, but take it from me, TONS of you dudes are using this one. "Find someone who loves you like Kanye loves Kanye." It's actually funny and I can appreciate our mutual disdain for one of humanity's biggest blunders, but I just want you all to know that you're not even close to being the only one who thought it would make a cute addition to your dating profile.

So instead of quoting a meme you saw on the internet, let's hear some of your original words. 

EXHIBIT C: Get A Dictionary

I'm going to go ahead and jump to the conclusion that if you read my blog (does anyone?!?) then you have a superior intellect. By having that enormous brain, you know exactly what is wrong with that guy's name. 

Synonyms include womanizer and debauchee. Okay, admittedly my vocab isn't good enough to know the second one, but I did know at first glance that I would be swiping right on a lech. Problem is that Tinder takes your name from your Facebook profile (stupid programming) so it's likely that this is his real name. Canada is a multi-cultural place and I welcome and accept all ethnicities, but I know that if I moved to a foreign country where my name was a derogatory word in the local language, I'd be working on a cool new nickname.

And dude, if that's NOT your real name, buy a fucking dictionary and pick better usernames!


Grieving is very hard, and it can be a long process in which we all express ourselves in different ways. I don't intend to mock this person if he's been through something terrible like losing a child, but I just wanted to showcase the variety of interesting and inappropriate things you find in the world on online dating.

Sir, this is REALLY not the place to pay tribute to a child who has passed away. You're obviously here for booty, or for dating, and your shirtless mirror selfie proves that. So do not include an obituary below a tasteless cheesy photo of yourself. Not cool.

Not to mention you're bringing down the whole vibe for everyone who's enjoying the casual swiping, then are smacked in the face with this reality bomb. Take it to your Facebook wall where people can express their condolences. 


This one is a blatant show-off. I'm being totally honest when I say I get messages like this all the time. And I don't mean the one-liner, "nice profile, wanna chat?" kind of shit. I get people legit saying "Wow" and quoting bits of my profile and expressing their genuine admiration for its contents.

I've put a lot of work into it, and it's ongoing. I'm honest about myself, including flaws and quirks (obviously), I'm honest about what I'm looking for, and I've peppered it with humor to keep people reading to the end. A long profile can sometimes turn off the reader, but I'm often told they read to the end and laughed the whole way. I've also been told many times that I did a great job giving off the vibe of who I am as a person. Which is exactly what these things are meant to do, if you do them right. 

I may not get fifty messages a day, but the messages I do get (that aren't copy/paste generic BS) are from people who get a good sense of what they'd be getting into with me and decided to go forward. Quality over quantity.

I've told single straight men how to have great online dating profiles before, and I follow all of those rules myself. They work. Although I may be single right now, I have found love online in the past, more than once. Real love, not the "just for tonight" kind of love. Although lately I've been thinking of cruising for some of that too, because it's been since June for me, which means I'm quickly approaching my personal drought limit.

It'll be interesting to see with whom I break the dry-spell. Keep you posted. (nobody cares)

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