Wednesday, October 7, 2015

A Brief History of My Celebrity Crushes, Part 1: Ewan McGregor

I've always been a bit boy-crazy, I'll admit, but my crushes have always tended towards the... how shall I put this... odd. Maybe slightly age-inappropriate. Definitely not the dudes my peers were crushing on.

I shall now take you on a journey documenting some of the men that were responsible for my sexual awakening, the confirmation of my heterosexuality, and the definitive life-long label of quirky.


First and foremost, my heart belongs to Ewan McGregor. I mean, just look at this shit.

Let me rub my face against your face. Please.

That doesn't seem so odd for a 29-year-old celebrity crush, amirite?

But in 1999, when The Phantom Menace was released, I was 13. I sat in the theatre beside my Dad who had essentially dragged me there to see it I and swooned at the appearance of Obi-Wan Kenobi on the screen, a then 28-year-old McGregor. Suddenly the movie I had begrudgingly agreed to see became interesting. And I saw it three more times in theatres. (And fuck all of you, I liked Jar Jar and I don't care who knows it.)

You know what they say about a man with a long padawan braid...

For comparison, my friends were teen-lusting for things like this. JT was 18 in '99.

JT to stylist - "Make my hair look like Ramen noodles please."

Once I was introduced to Ewan and his older man charms, plus that exotic sexy Scottish accent, I was done for. I went on the primitive 1999 internet and scoured it for his filmography. I typed his name into (this is before Google was king of the web) and saved every damn photo I could find to my special folder on the family PC. 

Oh, this was also in the ancient time when logging onto the internet sounded like BRRRRR SQUEEEEEEEGRRRRRBBBBBZZAAABBZZOOO! And you couldn't use the phone line at the same time. I'm old.

I printed off every Ewan pic I found, in colour! My parents were mad. My allowance didn't cover the cost of colour ink cartridges. My current salary still doesn't. I modge-podged them onto my school binders in beautiful Scottish collages. 

I used to spend a lot of time enjoying this particular photo

My parents took me to the local video rental place and I'd search and search and beg the staff to get more of his titles. Who knows what Mom and Dad were thinking when they let me rent Trainspotting.

The movie was gross and Ewan was gross in it, but there was nothing that could stifle my hormonal mania over this man. Not even watching him take a disgusting heroin-withdrawal shite and then dive into it.

My parents DEFINITELY had not read up on Velvet Goldmine before letting me rent it. In it, Ewan plays a glittery gender-bendy rockstar, and I got to see his peepee. That was a big deal. At that innocent stage in life you want to kiss and hug your crush and totally get married, but genitals were not something you really ever thought about. At least not just yet. And this wasn't some quick, tasteful silhouette of male full frontal. This was a pants on the floor, jumping up and down, floppy in your face peepee. It was a lot to absorb. (I'd absorb that peepee any day... HEEYOOO)

That movie also introduced me to some other... ahem.. things... that I wasn't quite ready for at age 14. ("Ewan, what are you doing to Christian Bale's bum?! NOOOO!") But there you have it. I was determined to watch him in anything and everything.

This movie has a phenomenal soundtrack, P.S.

A Life Less Ordinary was one of the ones I found at the old West Coast Video that I watched over and over again and enjoyed for reasons other than my main man being involved. I still watch it once a year or so.

The film was another collab between Ewan and Trainspotting's Danny Boyle, one which defied categorization, being a dark comedy, a rom-com, an action/adventure film, and a fantasy story all in one. Naturally, being different, critics hated it.

But I loved it, and I think any movie buff should see it for its originality. Plus my man sings in it. Of course he does. I curse any film that doesn't utilize his beautiful voice.

Ewan went from a "phase" to a full-blown love affair after I saw Moulin Rouge. When the movie came out, my peers had for the most part never seen him before, probably because his movies were all completely inappropriate for our age group. The odd Star Wars fan knew who he was, but that was it.

I, on the other hand, squealed like a motherfuckin' Backstreet Boys fan (to be fair, I was also one of those) when a group of friends came over and we watched Moulin Rouge for the first time.

That movie was a religious experience for me. It was visually and emotionally beautiful, heart-wrenching, funny, and full of great songs. I was thrilled that Ewan was now a mainstream, leading man, in a movie winning all kinds of awards.

He plays an idealistic writer. My soul mate.

What I find fun is that most people are not crushing on the same celeb they were at age 13. But I'm not most fucking people!  I will probably love him forever. And I'm cool with that.

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