Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Brief History of My Celebrity Crushes, Part 2: Jack Noseworthy

This crush started out in the same way as the first one, oddly enough. It started when my dad dragged me to yet another movie I had no interest in seeing. I was 14 years old when U-571 came out and, like most teenage girls, I had no interest in Nazi submarines.

But my old man and I were movie buddies, and this flick had transitioned to the discount $2 theatre so I was invited to tag along. I knew who Matthew McConaughey was, so why the hell not?

I was mildly interested in the film until this happened.

"I play zee quiet, sexy, underrated, German-speaking radioman. Adore me to a sick degree, vy don't you?"

WHOA, be still my pubescent heart! Suddenly my eyes were glued on the screen, not wanting to blink for fear of missing a moment of the already slim screen-time of Seaman Bill Wentz, played by the newest love of my life, Jack Noseworthy. Look at those luscious puckers. Dayum.

I made my parents drop me off at the cheap cinema two more times to see the movie. I’m sure they thought my teenage fangirl interest in a World War II film was odd, but they let me obsess over whatever the hell I wanted. Good parents. And hey, I was probably the youngest person ever to know what depth charges were.

It should be noted there were many nice faces in the film, apart from the obvious McConaughey. Also a part of this rag-tag group of sub-dwellers were Jon Bon Jovi, Tom Guiry, Erik Palladino, plus others that weren't too hard on the eyes. Harvey Keitel anyone?

Knowing what to do since my crush on Ewan McGregor had become a part of life, I took to the prehistoric internet to search out all photos and videos publicly available. This was pre-YouTube, so that shit was hard to find! And it took five hours of downloading to watch one tiny clip. Five hours on the old-timey internet that used the phone line. 

90s hotness overload
Mr. Jack got his own school binder devoted to him, his printed photos covered in modge-podge and toted around school with pure love and devotion, to the utter confusion of my peers who were busy fawning over, ummm… actually I was too detached and in my own world to know who my peers gave a shit about.

I did the habitual pilgrimage to West Coast Video, armed with my internet print-out of Jack Noseworthy’s filmography, and got to rentin’. My dad looked at me with severely arched eyebrows when I brought titles to the front counter like Breakdown starring Kurt Russell and Barb Wire with Pamela Anderson.

Bless him, he let me rent whatever I wanted, no questions asked.

At one point I discovered that my Jacky-poo was actually a song and dance man, and being the Broadway nerd I am, I just about messed my pants. Once I found a clip of him rehearsing for Pippin, singing Corner of the Sky, and I proceeded to download the song (on Napster, I’m old) and listen to it (on a burned CD on my discman) until my ears bled. That’s how obsessed I can get with things.

During the height of my obsession, I faked sick at school so I could go to the mall and buy U-571 on VHS on the day it came out. That was a miss-school kind of occasion for me. Geez, I remember trolling the internet for HOURS trying to find somewhere to watch/download an episode of The Twilight Zone he was in. I was fucking dedicated.

At one point it was take-your-kid-to-work day and neither of my parents were able to participate. I went with a friend to her mother’s government office job for the day, and my pupils blew wide when I saw the industrial sized colour printer. I proceeded to print off this bad boy right here, in massive poster size.

Look at that fuckin' smoulder. Rawr.

Hell, the girls who loved N’Sync had NO trouble finding merch to paper their bedroom walls, but poor little me with my not-so-mainstream interests had no options! Fuck it, I’m gonna use government printer ink to give me something to swoon over.

Then I stumbled across a piece of Noseworthy media that would actually have long reaching effects in my life. I discovered the music video for Bon Jovi’s song Always, in which Jack is super sexy, albeit kind of an asshole. I watched the video a bazillion times, and then decided I loved it for more than my crush’s presence. This began a lifelong love of BJ. I know how that sounds. I’m not correcting it.

I’ve seen Bon Jovi in concert twice (both times I was the youngest person in attendance by at least two decades), and I have Jack to thank for his influence on my musical tastes.

My dear Jack also introduced me to Event Horizon, which has remained to this day on both my fave sci-fi and horror movie lists. Check it out, it's scary as shit. Hey, remember Idle Hands? My boy was in that too. How about Alive, the one with the plane crash in the Andes? Yup, that too.

After watching this demo reel I feel that old familiar spark reigniting, and I think it's time to catch up on his filmography.

I have just now, right this moment, discovered probably the only problem with modern, fast, comprehensive internet. All this research just forced me to learn that Jack is gay, and a nostalgic piece of me has died.

Twenty-nine-year-old Adelaide can handle this new information (and might even be into that), but it's a good thing that 14-year-old Adelaide never came across that nugget of info otherwise she woulda cried into her pillow and lamented the fact that she was for real never going to marry J. Nose.

Suddenly my "song and dance man" comment is making more sense.

Either way, I wouldn't trade my history of celebrity crushes for anything.




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