I recently stepped on a scale and almost slit my wrist right there in my mom's bathroom. I had reached a number (I ain't fuckin' tellin' it to you!) that I swore I would never EVER get to. But there it was, staring me in the face. It was a cold, hard reality check telling me things had gotten out of control, and denial wasn't going to cut it anymore.
And so I have embarked on my very first real attempt to lose weight. I've been overweight since about age 20. I thought I was a fatty at age 15, but looking back, that was not the case. That's just when the mental/emotional body issues began.
Now I'm 30, turning 31 in April. The "I'm young and have lots of time, I'll bounce right back once I start trying" excuse is no longer appropriate. I'm getting older. It will require more work. My skin will tighten up just a little bit less than if I'd done this at age 22. But that doesn't mean it's too late. It has to happen NOW.
Letting so much time go by with this problem unchecked means that losing this amount of weight is now an even bigger undertaking. In fact, this was part of the denial in the first place. I didn't want to weigh myself, because that would mean I would face an actual number, and then have to do the math to find out how much I needed to lose. Doing this math meant admitting to myself that I had reached one of those scary amounts to lose.
It's not like when those cute teeny girls say face-punchworthy things like "I need to lose two pounds so I can wear my bikini!" Ugh no, fuck you. This is serious business. I knew the number deep down, but I didn't want to face it, because it meant there was a mountain of work ahead of me.
But alas, I have now embarked up the mountain. Because if not now, when?
Losing weight/getting fit has obvious advantages. We all know about vanity and health. Basically, fat people don't want to be fat because it looks bad, it affects our romantic prospects, and everybody likes to be physically attractive. There's no beating around the bush here. We want to shop at normal stores, wear cute clothes, have better sex, and more confidence. Health is top of the list too, and we all know it. Being fat is bad for you - for your liver, your heart, and even your emotional well-being.
What I'm here to explain today are the lesser known goals of people who have to lose sometimes upwards of the equivalent of another human in body weight. There are things that have never crossed your mind if you've never been chubby, bulky, plus size, heavy, or just plain fat. There are struggles that big people deal with that you've probably never even considered.
My goals include more than just "be slim." There are some crazy specific things that I've been missing out on, and I'll know I've made it when I can check some of these off my list.
So buckle in. Here are just some of my goals.
1) Sittin' like a lady
I haven't able to cross my legs comfortably in a very long time. Look at this beautiful sight.
This is not within the realm of possibility for me. My thighs get in their own way. See the way these legs are both pointing down? That's a thing of beauty to me. Currently, I can do this kind of shit:
It's so very unfeminine that I can't even find a photo of a woman doing it. Only dudes. And even when I'm crossing my legs like this, I'm holding on to my own ankle for dear life because it's slipping away, screaming "Let me go! This is unnatural!"
2) Farewell to Chub-Rub
I started with legs, so I'll stick with that for another moment.
The dreaded chafe. This is the opposite of thigh gap. This is the constant friction of thigh-on-thigh from walking, running, sometimes just standing around. It hurts. It burns. It has literally caused me an open wound on a few occasions that required first-aid.
This is such a common problem that there are products for it, like powders and creams, leg bands, etc., but nothing has worked for me. Summertime is deadly for my poor thighs, so I end up in long pants, no matter that it's 30 degrees out with insane humidity to boot. This gets into catch-22 territory. "Sorry, cute guy I just started dating, I'd love to go on a hike, but I just can't because ummm, well, I need to wear shorts so as not to overheat and die, but my thighs might start a forest fire if they're allowed near each other." And thusly, exercise is not achieved.
pain or discomfort or smoke.
3) Pick me up, please!
This is one of those moments you see in romantic comedies and other... ahem... videos. There's nothing more libido killing (for me) than feeling bigger than my partner, or that my size overwhelms him in some way. Which is why the following is a major super ultra fantasy of mine:
It may seem simple to a never-fat person, but this right here is the epitome of sexy for me. Feeling small, cute, and light enough that a man can pick me up effortlessly.
Instead, I had a boyfriend who, in 2011, picked me up and proceeded to fuck up his back. No joke. It's still messed up to this day. That was a confidence-crusher I'll never forget.
4) Mirror, mirror, I don't want to hate you
The other day I got out of the shower and decided to floss. Don't look so surprised, I have my shit together in a few areas at least.
I took the floss off the counter and, without thinking about it, turned from the bathroom vanity and faced the wall. The following thought actually went through my mind:
"Gee it would be easier to floss if I could see what I was doing!"
No shit, you moron. I had subconsciously turned away from the mirror. It was a reflex, an instinct. That's how deep-seated body negativity becomes.
I'll leave it at four goals today, but trust me - there are many more that go beyond "look good, feel good."
If you've struggled with your weight, you know what I'm talking about. In the online weight-loss community these are known as Non-Scale Victories, or NSV. These are the tiny moments that change your life for the better that go beyond the number on the scale, a smaller dress size, and less acid reflux. It's about reclaiming tiny joys in life that you didn't even realize were joys until you couldn't experience them anymore.
Well, no more waiting around and accepting that I can't have those things. THEY SHALL BE MINE! OH YES, THEY SHALL BE MINE! MUA HA HA okay I'll calm down.