Wednesday, March 8, 2017

This week in online dating: Domination, doofuses, and doodoo

With a huge sigh of resignation, I downloaded the dating apps again. I'm currently using Old Faithful - OKCupid, the questionable but quick Tinder, and brand new (to me) Bumble, in which women must send the first message.

I am begrudgingly back in the dating pool, so I might as well have a good time laughing my ass off at the people out there and the ways in which they use these services. Also, I might as well share them with you, and shame a few while I'm at it.

Note - all of the screencaps I share with you are original content. They are messages sent to me, on my personal accounts. I do not source them from the world wide web. This is the real, sad reality of my online dating experience.

EXHIBIT A: That escalated quickly 

Whatever happen to "hello?" as an opening line? How about easing me into a conversation and then gently finding out if I'm in to BDSM, or if I'm a sub or a dom? As you might have guessed, I'm pretty open-minded and down to talk about sexual preferences when it comes to vetting potential real-world matches. But there is some etiquette involved and there exists a fine line between an actual discussion and scummy, unsolicited sexting.

And this is the latter. Hence, my response. #FEDUP

EXHIBIT B: Your an asshole


Here's a candidate for worst account on Tinder. I didn't match with this person and we didn't exchange messages, but I just had to screencap his profile to show you an excellent example of what NOT to do.

Firstly, I didn't crop out his face. He had only this one photo, and didn't show his face. Also, if you're gonna show only a little tease of your face, don't make it your goatee. That's a personal ew from me, but in general it's poor form to hide your appearance within a dating app based solely on appearance. Fucking DUH dude.

Secondly, and most importantly, his horrendous cringe-inducing write-up. This one hurts me real bad, folks, as a grammar-lover and also as a decent person.

So we start off with a blanket-statement that gives us a peak into his mind. Deep down, he doesn't really like women. Ladies, beware declarations like this one. So we're all the same, are we? CORRECT! We're all the same in that NONE of us are swiping right on your chauvinist ass.

Then we round it all out with a barrage of grammar and spelling errors, just to up his wow-factor. Plus that little gem tagged onto the end about a severe limp.

This is a big left-swipe from me, buddy. #NOREGRETS

EXHIBIT C: YOU, that's fuckin who


So this happened. I don't have much to say about it except...

EXHIBIT D: So bad, almost good


This is one of my favourites in recent memory. I'm sure he got that line from somewhere on the internet, but I don't care. It made me laugh. Obviously I didn't reply, but I've shown this to LOTS of people. So thanks, dude.

OKCupid Pro-Tip - an opening line that evokes imagery of shit is not a good opening line. #IPREFERCOTTONELLE

 BONUS CONTENT: Shady Shakespeare

*rolls eyes so hard blood vessels burst*

Better luck to me next week.

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